[D9 EE] Until we Meet Again (Closed)

[Solork Tan]

Each step seemed a bit heavier as Sol makes his way back to the shack. He doesn't expect to be shot at, but he can't say it's impossible. The moves along, leaning against the black wood staff he is using as a walking stick, the only pop of color the ivory handhold where he is currently gripping it. He had sent ahead a message, but rather than going inside, he sits down, placing the staff in his lap and waits with as much serenity as he can muster.

[Meiyokashi]

Watching him on his approach Kira was outside, sitting in a lounging chair. When he approaches and sits to meditate she quirks a brow, "Yo, you lookin' for Cartess yea?" she asks, a woman who certainly lacked serenity in most things.

[Solork Tan]

"Indeed. I wanted to see her off before" Sol pauses. "Before I might not get the chance to"

[Kira]

"She's inside," she gives a nod toward the door. Sizing up Sol for a quick second before offering, "You want me to go grab her or.. wanna find her yourself?"

[Solork Tan]

"Is she going to take a swing at me if I go inside?" Sol replies drily. He pauses for a beat. "No really, is the lightsaber coming out because a "dangerous threat" is inside?"

[Kira]

Kira watches Solork for the moment, expecting a joke and finding something else instead, something that irritated her. With the flash of a glare she looks to Solork, "I'm starting to think it's that you don't want to get it, huh?" she says, stepping up.

"I don't know who you've been talking to the past while, but if you got that kinda idea about her it wasn't Tess you were focusing on," she says, leaning forward in her seat and standing up. Walking toward the opening in the overhang to look more directly at Solork.

"You know she did it cause she cares, right? She's worried about you as much as for you, ya know?"

[Solork Tan]

"There is no try, only do or do not. Good intentions are irrelevant, only the act itself matters. She taught me that." Sol's gaze drops and doesn't quite completely rise. "Or at least, she introduced that to me. I've had those drilled back into me from experience."

He sighs. " My point being that if she felt I was too dangerous before, I can't stand here now and say that I'm any better. I wish I could. I truly do. But if I was already a lost cause before... "

He doesn't complete the sentence.

[Kira]

"Sit, you're not talking to Tess," she says and walks down the few steps there were. Sitting at the end of them she pays the spot next to her and beckons with a nod toward it, "You're talking with me, before this goes any further."

[Solork Tan]

"Ok then" Sol picks himself up and plops down on the stairs. "So... Are you a doctor at this or something?"

[Kira]

"No, I'm just Tess's friend and for the next twenty minutes or whatever I'm yours too-" she gives him a quick look-" and that can change if you're thick headed about things," but I'm here and willing to try and fix thing, yea? So, here we go."

"Tess believed in you from the start, she tried. Real hard from what she said, spending a year on trying to teach you even though she was worries you might just be in it for the power of it. Come a year later? You act spoiled cause she didn't direct you toward a weapon of significance the moment she had a chance to."

"So, I'm askin' as a friend. What was in your head then, huh? If you learned from Tess you woulda known exactly how hard she tried to inspire you to be less.. corruptible is the word she'd use, but I don't know what I'd call it. Point is she spent a year training you and found no difference in the person supposed to be her student."

[Solork Tan]

"Honestly? At that moment? You really want to know?" Sol glares at Kira annoyed at her accusations. "The droid had just conveyed that he knew more than Cartess liked and she insinuated that I had been loose lipped. That's something that could have earned us a fate worse than death."

"At the same time, I had Zim next to me. Someone who was a blank slate, who I thought could be a fellow student but who I didn't want to rush, and again, I wanted to protect Cartess' secret until she chose to reveal it. And so, I tried to let her know that the droid knew things on its own, that I hadn't put her at risk. And I figured that the best thing to convey that was with things that she knew she hadn't told me. "

Sol pauses and offers a bitter chuckle. "You know the funny thing? I had just found a place that was filled with the Dark Side right beforehand. It had spoken to me, and I wanted to offer my warnings. Because her teachings had worked. " He laughs again though doesn't seem happy for it. "There I am, excited that I've found knowledge that can help us, that I brought right to her. A potential student, who I hoped to mentor. That I've felt the brush of the Darkness and held firm and....nope!" Sol snaps his fingers. " An off comment about her keeping me in the dark and let's throw a year down the refresher. "

[Kira]

"Do you forget I was there bud?" she asks, raising her hand and laying it out toward the side in a dismissive manner. Glaring back when Solork takes the hostile defense, "From talking with Tess? That's your whole problem. You keep looking to figure something out, fix something else, when you pay no mind to what your own damn motives are. You wanted to protect Cartess' secret? Don't give me that upper-wash, you brought some random droid who clearly knew way too much and some young impressionable maybe force sensitive to your 'instructor' at the same time? You think anyone in the galaxy wouldn't be able to do that math?" she groans, shaking her head.

"You want to mentor someone and you're not even listening to your own instructor. How many times did she try to correct your path, your aims, the way you focus on getting something or getting something done. Warn you against how that's easily corruptible and far from just-" she raises a hand- "cause newsflash! Doing something you think is good, but for selfish reasons? That ain't good buddy!"

"And that 'off-comment' was just proof of the whole thing. You felt slighted cause she didn't tell you and you were trying to use it against her in a kriffed mind-game, like I used to do back when I was a teen to get the leg up on folk. But do you know who doesn't do that? Jedi, what you thought you were trying to be, but you're either too lost in your own head to realize or didn't wanna give that an honest try. For a whole year Tess worried she wasn't getting through to you and you practically admitted it right to her face in front of me."

[Solork Tan]

"Oh? I'm curious." Sol tilts his head. "What do you think was my motive to bringing them?"

He pauses.


"I am sorry if that sounds defensive. You sound legitimately concerned about the two of us. I...I have my memory of what I intended, and what I hoped for. But the lies that hurt us the most are the ones we tell ourselves because we are so sure that we are right. So please, tell me. I will listen"

[Kira]

"Not exactly the part I was talking about..." she says, sighing as she looks to him with a curious brow. Uncertain what she's expecting, "But look, you just said it yourself. All that stuff you did was for some other purpose. Not quite sure on the droid- but you went to some dark place and resisted to prove yourself? Prove something to her? Taking an action- doing something dumb instead of listening to her advice. If you think that's what she meant by resisting the dark-side you've not listened nearly as well as I have," she laughs, there isn't mirth to it though as she shakes her head.

"But that other one, Zim? You brought her with hopes you could maybe mentor her yourself. Said it right plain there, might not look like it but there was a personal angle you were already considering- a selfish end mixed into this idea of what you thought might be good. You warned Cartess, sure, but did you ask her if you should bring a new person in who wasn't already in the club? Mighta been a good thing to try first," she says.

[Solork Tan]

Sol breathes in and out slowly before tilting his chin onto his chin.

"Ok, a bit to unpack here: First off, yes, I gave Cartess warning about Zim. At least some. I had told her that I found someone I believed to be Force sensitive. I had invited her to observe the rendezvous, but seemed uninterested. I then told her that I was bringing someone. To be fair, I didn't tell each of the other that they were sensitive. I thought that pushing it, by revealing each other's secrets, it would betray them and that ruin any chance that they would trust each other. All Zim knew was that she was my spiritual teacher, which she is... Was, I should say. And if there were any doubts, I thought she'd at least voice them. It wasn't exactly out of the blue. But-" Sol makes a dismissive gesture "That plan went up in smoke fast, and you are right that I need to take responsibility for that. So fine"

"Second" Sol clears his throat. " Are you joking with me? I mean "How dare I investigate a site of reported strange happenings, confirm that there is something dark, shake off its influence and retreat immediately to share and inform?" The light suddenly seems to go off for Sol" I...am actually going to shut up now, because you're trying to be nice, and I am making your point for you."


The Gank sighs and cradles his head in his free hand

"It would be a lie to say that I don't have regrets. I do.I have made mistakes, and recent ones. None of them are what you have mentioned to me. They pale in comparison. If you are trying to help, if you are trying to make me believe that Cartess won't violently overreact, you are having the opposite effect. I've yet to hear what my selfish motive was. Did I fail in what I attempted? Obviously so. Was I rash in doing so? In hindsight, yes. And you are right about a number of things: Im a fixer. If I see a problem my first instinct would be to try to fix it, come hell or high water. And you're right, that has gotten me in trouble." Sol slowly rises and stretches, the epiphany dawning. "But going back, I can't say that I wouldn't do them again. Do them better, certainly. More adroitly, with more care. But down at the core of my being, I believed them to be the right thing and i can't say I think I was wrong. And if that means that I am not suited to being a Jedi, then so be it."

Sol looks down. " Thank you Kira. I don't think I would have come to that conclusion with her"

[Kira]

Somehow- somewhere along that whole way something was lost, and far as anyone could tell it was the light behind Kira's eyes as she pulled her legs up in front of herself, planted both hands on her face, and buried the whole arrangement into her own knee's.

[Solork Tan]

Sol turns to leave. "Something is going down tomorrow and I don't know if I will be able to come back again. This might have been a final goodbye, but I think it's for the best. Either I can return and we work on this ourselves or she is left with the memory of me accepting her decision calmly that might be easier. "

Sol blows out his breath. "In spite of everything, I do care for her a great deal. And now, unlike before I understand breaking something you cherish because you fear that its gone wrong and you can't fix it. I understand. And, I swear to the Force, I thought I had forgiven her"

He begins to trudge down the road, unable to say the next words aloud.

But I can't. I love you Cartess, for how you helped me, for saving me from becoming worse. But some part of me can't do it yet. Maybe that's not fair. Maybe that's not right. But I can't..