Shan'gdi's Sh'sei [D7, MA, Expecting]

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

Zim made her way to the Grotto again, her robe covering the set of environmental gear, her hood pulled back as she made her way farther inside. This time, instead of sitting down on the rock at the middle, she positioned herself cross-legged beneath one of the paths leading up to the central area.

She took out her comm, texted a message, sent it, then put it back and placed her hands on her knees. Closed her eyes, took a deep breath, trying to feel all around her again, reaching out to the life, the water and the rocks.

Her breathing slowing down little by little, she waited...

[Meiyokashi]

Zim was kept company by the peacefulness found within this grotto, it was truly a place unlike any other. Conciousness, however, drifted back to her as she could notice the approach of another. Cartess, standing by the entrance of the grotto in her cloaked robes looked about at the majesty of this place and then searched around looking for Zim.

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

Zim was kept company by the peacefulness found within this grotto, it was truly a place unlike any other. Conciousness, however, drifted back to her as she could notice the approach of another. Cartess, standing by the entrance of the grotto in her cloaked robes looked about at the majesty of this place and then searched around looking for Zim.

The Mikkian kept sitting cross-legged under one of the paths to the central platform, her eyes closed. She did feel Cartess' entrance, though.

"Miss Cartess. My friend's previous Sh'sei. Thanks for coming here", she says in a soft, but clear voice.

[Meiyokashi]

Seeing her at the words Cartess smiled, taking a few agile steps she moved through the terrain with some relative ease thanks to her training. She could have simply walked up to where Zim was but after so long of being cooped up she needed the exercise and took a more direct route. With the fall of her feet before Zim as she made one last hop she looks to Zim, a smile, "Of course, and- I do not know how accurate that term is but.. yes," shaking her head.

"I'm happy to come and help you if I may, especially now that I have had time to think following.." she waves her hand, passing on the thought.

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

Seeing her at the words Cartess smiled, taking a few agile steps she moved through the terrain with some relative ease thanks to her training. She could have simply walked up to where Zim was but after so long of being cooped up she needed the exercise and took a more direct route. With the fall of her feet before Zim as she made one last hop she looks to Zim, a smile, "Of course, and- I do not know how accurate that term is but.. yes," shaking her head.

"I'm happy to come and help you if I may, especially now that I have had time to think following.." she waves her hand, passing on the thought.

Zim smiles looking up at her still sitting in a lotus position. "... following what happened. I understand, of course" Her voice is soft and friendly, no judgment or anything of the kind in it. "And.. I'm using the term I'm used to. Should I use another one?"

A long blink, a deep breath, and she looks at Cartess again. "If I may ask... have you come to terms with what happened? I... am seeking for other questions, too, of course. But... I think I felt that was an important moment for both of you."

[Cartess Kenotte]

"It was a moment of.. regret. That I had allowed things to carry on for so long when he is so resistant to the ideas that are so important to guarding himself against the darker forces. It's one thing to speak of resisting the influence but another to do so.. I hope he will learn in time, but to train him would only seal his fate further.." she shook her head, refocused.

"But you had questions of your own. Please, ask them.. and- you may use the term if you find it appropriate. I am just not certain of it's significance, the value behind the title. It's as unknown to me as much of your ways I'm sure," she chuckles briefly, not one to let the emotion carry her away but- she certainly didn't possess the inner piece associated with the Jedi, with a Jedi Master, but she did try her best to emulate it even if she was only a Knight.

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

"It was a moment of.. regret. That I had allowed things to carry on for so long when he is so resistant to the ideas that are so important to guarding himself against the darker forces. It's one thing to speak of resisting the influence but another to do so.. I hope he will learn in time, but to train him would only seal his fate further.." she shook her head, refocused.

"But you had questions of your own. Please, ask them.. and- you may use the term if you find it appropriate. I am just not certain of it's significance, the value behind the title. It's as unknown to me as much of your ways I'm sure," she chuckles briefly, not one to let the emotion carry her away but- she certainly didn't possess the inner piece associated with the Jedi, with a Jedi Master, but she did try her best to emulate it even if she was only a Knight.

Zim nodded again, still sitting down.

Regret... regret of training him, and showing him a new way. It's... sad, somehow, this mismatch between feelings, she lets her mind wander for a bit.

I wonder... is there also *fear* there?. She feels something weird in the threads around, but she can't really probe it. She needs practice...

She then finally looks up to Cartess again, and points to a place beside her. "The title... it's the H'kig term for 'teacher', coming from the Galandan language. I'm not fully fluent in the language, but as my Sh'sei said, it means something like "older life" - so it mainly refers to the 'experience' one shares with another", she says with a gentle smile. "But... I do have some questions, Sh'sei Cartess."

She waits for the woman to have a chance to sit by her, and keeps her eyes low on the ground this time. "As Solork mentioned, I'm a follower - or... I'd rather say a seeker - of the traditions of the H'kig, and also of Cosmic Balance. But along with Sh'sei Sh'tari, I've been seeking for a balance that is not... simply akin to resignation, as the main tradition in the religion's seat in Bakura ends up being. So... I've been seeking for Balance."

She takes a deep breath, her eyes still down. "I have had interesting conversations with Solork. I'd heard of the Code before... but I trust I've learned much, and have found much to think about, in my conversations with him. And... he told me I'd have more to learn from you. So... I think... I'm seeking questions, Sh'sei Cartess."

"But... that wasn't actually a question, eh? I believe I should start with some real questions of my own, shouldn't I? So..."

She finally looks at the Jedi's face directly again. "Can the Code help me seek Balance? ... Can it help me find my own path - and not force me down one that may not be my own?"

She then moves her left hand from her knee to get something from her right sleeve, slowly places it on her lap and returns her hands to her knees.

"And... can the Code, and you, help me find peace and balance with this?", she adds, her eyes down again - the object in her lap now clearly visible as a lightsaber hilt.

[Cartess Kenotte]

Cartess sits for some moments, patiently as she considers the words. With the request her eyes dim a bit, uncertainty wavering. However, with time she finds truth where for so long she'd avoided it.

"I.. am no longer certain that it does, Zimrzala. What Solork brought you to me for.. he and another wished training from me so desperately I thought I would try again, to train Jedi as my Masters did but.. I no longer am certain if I believe the Jedi Code is the way. It is what I have taught- it is what I follow but I waver in my conviction toward it. After all, it was the Jedi code which lead us down our path but I fear I do not know how else to move forward."

"For now I have focused myself on simpler goals to hide my wavering but these simple goals only grow more complicated. Though that is not to say they haven't found success. I have met others who have struggled as I have and it warms me to know I am no longer alone beside them but- everyone looks to me for guidance and I try, I try very hard but-" her voice quakes but she pauses and reasserts her inner peace. "The role of Master is not one I have been prepared for- I'm only barely a Knight."

"I- I don't know if I can, Zimrzala, and I don't even know if it would be right to try."

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

Cartess sits for some moments, patiently as she considers the words. With the request her eyes dim a bit, uncertainty wavering. However, with time she finds truth where for so long she'd avoided it.

"I.. am no longer certain that it does, Zimrzala. What Solork brought you to me for.. he and another wished training from me so desperately I thought I would try again, to train Jedi as my Masters did but.. I no longer am certain if I believe the Jedi Code is the way. It is what I have taught- it is what I follow but I waver in my conviction toward it. After all, it was the Jedi code which lead us down our path but I fear I do not know how else to move forward."

"For now I have focused myself on simpler goals to hide my wavering but these simple goals only grow more complicated. Though that is not to say they haven't found success. I have met others who have struggled as I have and it warms me to know I am no longer alone beside them but- everyone looks to me for guidance and I try, I try very hard but-" her voice quakes but she pauses and reasserts her inner peace. "The role of Master is not one I have been prepared for- I'm only barely a Knight."

"I- I don't know if I can, Zimrzala, and I don't even know if it would be right to try."

The Mikkian hears Cartess' words with a kind, compassionate face, eyes locked on hers as her tendrils move around, as if trying to better understand the woman's feelings.

She keeps silent for some time, then finally nods. "I... believe I understand your uncertainty, Sh'sei Cartess." She falls silent for some more time, closing her eyes in the meantime, then opening them again.

"You see... Sh'sei Sh'tari used to say... understanding what we don't know is as important as what we do. We've talked about this in my latest conversations with Solork, too. Maybe... the more we know, the more we understand how much we don't. And then... Sh'sei Sh'tari also used to say he couldn't teach me everything. Or maybe... it was hard to understand, really, but at times I felt he meant he didn't really teach me. His words were something like: 'It's you who learns, M'meh'. I always thought of that as just his way of being humble...I think I now understand him a bit better. 'You must find your own path', he also said."

She looks directly at the woman's eyes again. "Knight or Master... you're trying to find your path, yeah, Sh'sei Cartess? And... you've done your best to nudge others towards their own path, right?" Another long blink and a deep breath. "Sol... do you trust he'll be better able to find his path now? Be better able to guard himself against the dark... or find his own balance?"

She shakes her head. "Balance is always elusive... but I do trust - or hope - he will. And... " She looks at the hilt in her lap again. "I feel I need some guidance myself, to find and keep my own balance. Maybe with the Code, maybe not exactly with it. Maybe sharing ideas about the Code and what else I've learned about Balance elsewhere. Whether with a Knight or a Master as Sh'sei. Or as J'Jyeh - 'Older sister'. I do feel I'd have something to learn from you, Sh'sei Cartess. Perhaps... if we look at this as an exchange between sisters, more than as a vertical relationship, it could be easier? Perhaps... you may find something to learn as well?"

[Cartess Kenotte]

"Older sister," she repeats with a brief smile. Nodding, "I think something like that would be appropriate, Zimrzala. Learning together is admirable enough, and.. hopefully we will be able to help pick one another up when we stumble all the better. My youngers looking to me for guidance feels.. natural, but for you and others, yes. Together would be just fine," she smiles again, but that smile fades as her attention directs toward Solork.

"Solork however.. I do not know, but I do know that if I were to continue instructing him connection to the Force might grow, and he might continue to gain the mastery and power from it he clearly seeks. Without a strong sense of what is right I fear he would only fall to the darkside and become a great threat to all of those around him. If he cannot guide himself away from it.. I do hope that he will at least not create troubles that cannot be managed."

"It is hard.. but it is what we did with the younger, more troublesome padawans. Found ways to distract and halt their potential mastery," she says, solemnly.

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

"Older sister," she repeats with a brief smile. Nodding, "I think something like that would be appropriate, Zimrzala. Learning together is admirable enough, and.. hopefully we will be able to help pick one another up when we stumble all the better. My youngers looking to me for guidance feels.. natural, but for you and others, yes. Together would be just fine," she smiles again, but that smile fades as her attention directs toward Solork.

"Solork however.. I do not know, but I do know that if I were to continue instructing him connection to the Force might grow, and he might continue to gain the mastery and power from it he clearly seeks. Without a strong sense of what is right I fear he would only fall to the darkside and become a great threat to all of those around him. If he cannot guide himself away from it.. I do hope that he will at least not create troubles that cannot be managed."

"It is hard.. but it is what we did with the younger, more troublesome padawans. Found ways to distract and halt their potential mastery," she says, solemnly.

Zim's face slowly changes into a tranquil, content smile at Cartess' words. She nods at her, silently at first, then finally adds some words. "Thank you for this. I'm looking forward to it.", she says with another nod.

After the Jedi's next words about Solork, the smile remains, even if a bit less openly. "I... think I understand your concern, J'Jyeh. Power for power's sake may be...." she looks down and falls silent for some time. "...dangerous?", she finally adds, somewhat unsure. "Confusing. Unbalancing. I guess... consuming, even?"

She shakes her head. "One way or another... not a healthy path to follow. That is... something Sh'sei Sh'tari said a number of times. 'Find your own path, and walk it.' Not... a destination only, but a path. If the destination 'becomes' the path... you risk losing yourself in the process."

She raises her eyes to Cartess' again, a thin smile on her lips and eyes again. "These were not his exact words, of course. And it took a long time until I finally felt I had started to understand what he means. Even now... I'm not sure." A long blink, a long breath. "But... if Shan'gdi Sol does find a path to walk... I believe he may find the peace he may need to understand and control himself. Perhaps..." She locks eyes with Cartess again. "Perhaps even enough to reach some sort of 'mastery', as you say, without losing himself in it. Or... if not, at least enough to make sense of whatever he chooses to do. I... trust he can do that. Or... hope he can", she says, lowering her eyes for a moment again, then shaking her head and smiling at Cartess again.

She then takes the hilt in her lap in her left hand, looks at it.

"Speaking of which... I've been considering how my own path interweaves with this." Another look at the Jedi's eyes. "I received this as a gift. And in an unexpected place. I feel it must be part of my path - but I can't figure out how, exactly..."

[Cartess Kenotte]

Cartess looks to Zim for a long while, contemplating. Thinking on all that was said, reaching forward she lays her hand upon the hilt in Zim's lap and in that closer space matches gazes with Zim, "Thank you.. for everything you said, Zimrzala. It was.. good to hear it from another voice other than the one in my head. Though we come from different backgrounds, teachings, I think there is a lot of the shared wisdom between us. It's as you say with what I fear for Solork, and I refuse to teach him further because.. I believe as my student he will always be blinded by the goal, and never see the world around him."

"It's dangerous.." she says, a brief smile, as she leans her hand off the hilt, "as are these weapons. Now more than ever with the Empire. That you have one is.. dangerous, but without the crystal it may never be recognized. But.. I am not sure how I could help you determine what your path might be from this. Maybe one day I would have directed you to a Jedi master but now, now I think it is only something you can find for yourself but," she dips her head, "I can try, to do what I can when you need help."

[Zimrzala Skalirz]

Cartess looks to Zim for a long while, contemplating. Thinking on all that was said, reaching forward she lays her hand upon the hilt in Zim's lap and in that closer space matches gazes with Zim, "Thank you.. for everything you said, Zimrzala. It was.. good to hear it from another voice other than the one in my head. Though we come from different backgrounds, teachings, I think there is a lot of the shared wisdom between us. It's as you say with what I fear for Solork, and I refuse to teach him further because.. I believe as my student he will always be blinded by the goal, and never see the world around him."

"It's dangerous.." she says, a brief smile, as she leans her hand off the hilt, "as are these weapons. Now more than ever with the Empire. That you have one is.. dangerous, but without the crystal it may never be recognized. But.. I am not sure how I could help you determine what your path might be from this. Maybe one day I would have directed you to a Jedi master but now, now I think it is only something you can find for yourself but," she dips her head, "I can try, to do what I can when you need help."

The Mikkian nods at Cartess silently, a cheerful but peaceful smile on her lips. As my student he will always be blinded by the goal.

At first she had been sad for them both when it happened. She had thought Cartess might have been led by fear, herself. And she felt Solork's disappointment, felt as he felt... almost betrayed.

But she had thought about it a lot after talking to Solork again. She remembered her Sh'sei, and how he had said she had to find her path on her own.

At some point, it was bound to happen. It might have been sooner than both expected - perhaps the same could be said of her and Sh'tari.

But that was not a bad thing. It just was, and they'd learn to tread their paths.

Another smile and another nod as Cartess speaks about the hilt.

"I understand it's something dangerous to show around. Although the Empire seeks us one way or another, don't they? Whenever they see, or sense... something."

She felt the thread that linked them with her soul, as if caressing it slightly. Felt it becoming stronger.

"Even... this. These connections. Some of them are bound to recognise it, even when we carry little, and even with no weapons."

Cartess will probably have noticed the Mikkian always travels light - she had at least one weapon of sorts on her at all times, but always light weapons... and always nonlethal.

Zim looked at the ground for a moment, closed her eyes and took a deep breath again.

"I think... I would like your guidance with one thing, sister."

When she opened her eyes again, she looked directly Cartess' eyes, her own face showing some doubt and concern.

"It... emits a blade. A dull blade, maybe meant for training I think. When the family in the Lower City gave me this, I refused it. I felt a weapon that might be deadly did not fit my path, who I am, who I'm meant to be. But they insisted, and here it is."

She looks at the hilt, takes it in her left hand, and very carefully activates the training saber. A green light appears as a buzz fills the grotto, and the Mikkian seems to emulate the sound with her own voice for a moment, her tendrils flailing about.

"I feel my receiving it is... a message. Feel it's part of my path. I don't know how, but I feel I must learn with it. I have many doubts, but I feel I must face them."

She looks at Cartess again, deactivating the blade.

"... can a deadly weapon bring peace and balance?" She looks at the hilt. "I think my receiving a dull blade is not a coincidence. J'jyeh, I know little about crystals, but this..." she gestures to the hilt again. "It makes me wonder. Can a saber be something other than a deadly weapon?"